Wussie enters Act Two Hell at clvl 42, with 25 Strength, 25 Dex, 10 Vit, 235 Energy.
Frozen Orb @ 13
Cold Mastery @ 5
Static Field @ 12
Teleport @ 1
Lightning Mastery @ 1
Hydra @ 4
Warmth @ 4
All necessary Prereqs @ 1
My oh my, act two in Hell. Well the good news is, there aren't as many archers and spitters and mages and such here, so there aren't as many multishot bosses. The bad news? Oh pish and puffle, who needs to hear any bad news anyway? Not you, right? Excellent.
So here we go. Sewers level one, archers with autohit. Um, yay. Let's give them cold enchanted and teleportation and watch them blink all over the place. Oh thank heaven for cold mastery.
Ha! Surprised you there, eh? I talked about a fight! Woohoo! Wussie's startin out nice and hot-like, kickin bony ash, flinging the pretty frozen orbs across the screen and painting snowy flowers onto the ranks of the enemy. "Look ma! Level's one's clear, and Wussie's still alive! Can I just stop and talk about this for a few hours? Oh pretty please?" Aw, nuts. Ma's a party pooper anyway. She says I oughtta move on with it already.
*sigh*
I'm tellin ya, it woulda been nice to understand that, at CLOSE range, those LEB sparks were gonna pack a cold damage punch too. Why couldn't Blizz offer full disclosure about their game anyway? WHY must the character screen LIE TO ME??? Oh pish and puffle, and doodly-doo too. I'm not talking about this bad skeleton guy any more, and that's that!
Wussie didn't like the big ugly man. Nope. Did you know that lightning sparks curse you if they hit you? Did you know that frozen orb only shatters a small percentage of bodies? Did you know that horrors and burning dead can dish out physical damage? Can you add one plus one plus one to get to three? Good. Then we don't need to talk about this one any more.
OK, now brace yourself. First, a quick reminder. Slouch rhymes with ouch. OK? You got that?
Slouchie.
OK now. What rhymes with "Farmer Brown went to town"? Yep, you guessed it: "Wake in town, face down." I'm not saying another peep. I'm certainly NOT going to mention if that may have happened more than once, either, so don't bother to ask!
Now here's an interesting picture. God bless selective photojournalism, too. What's interesting about this picture? The boss who dropped it, that's what.
OK now. Imagine you're out in the desert. (We're not talking about anything, here. This is all purely hypothetical. OK?) Now picture yourself walking along, and you hear the sound of the Fanaticism aura sounding off. You picturing all of this? OK, now you see some undead vultures. (Yes, I know it's scary, but it's only make-believe, so hold on tight). OK, now Boney Bird and crew, let's, um, make them all extra fast. Then, just for kicks (because he can already smash Wussie into next week) let's pretend that he's Extra Strong, too. Like, we're not even going to die here. The words Complete Obliteration come to mind, for me. What about you? No? Cool. Glad you have the stomach for this. All hypothetical stuff, too, keep that in mind. We're NOT discussing real events here. This is not happening. It's all just a dream.
OK, so in this dream, if Boney Bird flies around and, say, lands within 200 miles of you, you've got half a split second to respond. You understand? You've got to give him the cold shoulder and then clear out of there. OK? It would NOT be a good idea to stand around trying to cast Static Field. (Not that anybody here would be dumb enough to do that, right? Um... right??) OK, so there you see the picture. A sword on the ground, the boss is dead, and that's all we need to touch on here.
Moving on now.
OK, so just for the Hell of it, let's peek into the Oasis before we tackle the Halls of the Dead. Little buggies are easy to squish, and Wussie could really use a confidence booster right now. (Why, you ask? Pish and puffle on you. Don't ask such questions! Hmmph).
Oh yeah. So it goes like this. Walk into Oasis, spot pretty purple boss bug, lay down the orbs, spam the SF, cook up some maggot fondue. Isn't that just yummy looking stuff? I think so. In fact, let's stop and talk about it for a while.
You see, one good thing about maggots is that they don't play aggressive-like. They are, well, wussies themselves, and Wussie quite understands them very well. They, um, sit back and shoot at stuff, and they run around a little bit, and well, they lay eggs. See? And they are soft and squishy and rather moody, and they don't talk a lot except about nice things. You know? And that's really nice for Wussie, because she'll chat up anybody, even a purple maggot, about the good times. Also, that one-shot-killer mama bug, she don't come too close-like, and that means Wussie is safe fighting her, because, like (and I don't mind mentioning this at all) Wussie's actually smart enough to avoid getting killed here. Honest!
OK, enough procrastination. Into the Halls of the Dead with you, and down down down to face the music.
Now I've been over this part before, but just to remind you. Cursed + LEBs = Farmer Brown Went to Town.
Slouchie. OK? OK dammit?? Like, slouch. Slou, even. Slou + Ch. We're not going to talk about the spear cats, OK? Bad kitty. Hiss, hiss, growl.
What does Wussie Fear? How about a drugged up psychocat with a wicked right cross. Just so you know, Mean Pussy rhymes with Dead Wussie. OK?
Purrrrrfect. Oh yes, just great. That's one angry pussycat. OK? No more talking now. All done chatting. Moving on now. We're not mentioning how Cat-Tankerous Boss sounds like Experience Loss. NOT discussing that one. Next topic.
OK, now I call this one "What a Wussie Girl is ALL About."
"OK, you mean old beetle. You sit in that building, OK? Now I'm going to stand out here and cast slvl 1 Blizzards for the next two minutes, OK? You following me? And you sit there and get hit, OK? That agreeable to you? Oh goodie. Excellent-o. Here we go.
Whee!
Ha! That was one fight HE doesn't want to talk about! YEEHAA! I could spend hours regaling you with the glory of this brave victory, but there's no use bragging about it. The war record speaks for itself.
Maggot Lair next? I don't think so. Who needs to haul that junk staff around for days on end? (Shh! Don't tell Cain I called it that, OK? He's kind of sensitive about his "legacy" and all that crap).
OK, what happens when you combine Extra Strong with Might Aura, and slap that on a spear cat?
Slouchie.
Why was I playing around outside the city gates like that anyway? Well, Wussie was just a few experience short of leveling up, OK? And, um, I had the idea that I could "run outside the gate real quick and grab some experience." Brilliant, huh? Don't you think? Like, do a "safe" experience run for a minute, before heading into the Viper Temple? That's a good idea, don't you think? ... Right?
Pish and puffle. Farmer Brown, go to Hell. OK? Dammit.
Well, shucks and skin me alive. No sense waiting now. Just run into the Viper Temple, and if I die 800 times and get set back a whole level, I can stamp my foot and not talk about it. So what the Hell. Here we go.
Wussie's mad now. Screw it. Kill em. Kill em all.
"What's a junkyard with no junk in it?" It's wreck-less. Get it? Hehe. Reckless. Go Wussie, go! Gogogogogo!
Ha! Maybe I ought to throw caution to the wind more often. Let's clear out whole rooms of undead. It's Orb spammy time, don't you know. Look at all these slackers. LOOK AT EM!
I am Wussie, hear me squeak!
Well whaddya know. Ain't that somethin. Wussie Girl made it all the way through the viper temple without dying, and she's leveled up. Yay!
In fact, that's such a high note, I should stop and chat a bit. Heck, even just end this chapter here. Halfway through act two, good stopping point, Wussie's on a roll, kickin bootay and taking names. Atma should throw a party. Even Geglash can come (long as he don't go a-talkin about that incident where he was drunk. Oh sure, he CLAIMS he saw Wussie with her head on backward, but he was drunk, I tell you, drunk. It would have taken an Extra Strong Cursed Extra Fast LEB boss to knock Wussie's head around clear to backwards, and um... we didn't fight any of those, did we? What's that, Geglash? Oh we did? Oh shut up. You're just drunk again.)
"We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard Gore-Eye."
Should I talk about this one? Yeah, I should, but screw it. I'm not gonna. So there.
Oh look, it's the undead exhibit at the zoo. Wow, what an ugly specimen. Not even Wussie's beloved pink and purple colors can pretty up this sad thing. Let's put him out of his misery, shall we?
Oh yeah, it's gettin fun now. Look at all these guys caged like rats! Ha! *giggle* This is such fun!
What's that you say? One coming up behind me? Uh... where?
BAM!
"Farmer Brown went to Town to fetch a Pail of Water. Brown fell down, broke his crown, his experience scattered to the rafters."
*sigh*
Wussie is considering hiring herself out as a professional punching bag. She'd make a lot of gold, don't you think? Yes? No? Maybe?
Weebles wobble but they don't fall down? God bless the escape key. It's good to be a wussie.
OK, what spells disaster for a no-vit sorcie? If you guessed an Extra Fast Holy Freeze boss with Cold and Fire enchantment to make for a really big bang for his buck with an unavoidable death throe, you win today's prize.
IcyHot, that's what this picture is all about. Wussie's ass looks like its on fire, yet her shoulders are cold. Boss is on speed, but he's got her on ice. He's hot and gonna give her the chills. Um, this was just a mess all around. Any hardcore chars would be fools to fight this battle. I mean, have you SEEN this guy zippin around like a hummingbird from Hell? Good grief. And Wussie moving sooooooo suhhhhhhhhlowwwwwwwwwwlyyyyyyyy. Yikes.
What rhymes with slouch again? Dammit.
But wait! The fun's not over yet. Haha! Not by a longshot, nope, no sir. Nosiree. Don't count your chickens, boys and girls. This is one fight that isn't going to go the way they planned. You see, that death explosion, that only comes when YOU kill HIM. So... just don't kill him, right? (See, remember this part. Size of player brain != Size of Vitality statistic. OK?) I'll come back to that in a moment.
First things first. There's also a cursed FEB-LEB archer in that room with Fire Eye. Yes indeed, and check it out. Wussie can teleport! Oh yes. And oh my, can she ever. See, she may be this lil fragile lil thing and all that, but she has spells, you know. She has lots and lots of static field and frozen orb, and plenty of mana, too. Oh yes, and sleek fire pets. Hydras. Oh look at Wussie's darlings go!
Ha! Take that you bad skeleton guy, you. Get him, my lovelies! GET HIM! (I'll just bravely stand back here, see, and wait for it all to be over with.)
Now it's time for Slouchie Boy. See? Wussie's no bimbo amazon airhead, you know. She's a SORCIE. She's got a brain, and she actually USES IT. (Well, mostly).
Now before I complete her victory (and I must tell you, I don't mind talking about it at all, ha!) Wussie's got some scolding to do. See, this bad old demon, he wasn't very nice to Wussie. She's a little upset about it, too.
Fire Eye: "PLEASE KILL ME! PLEASE! NO MORE TORTURE! STOP TALKING! PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY ALREADY! YOU EVIL EVIL WITCH!"
"Oh pish and puffle! Not until you say please and thank you."
"PLEASE! THANK YOU!"
Wussie backed well out of the explosion radius and blasted him back to Hell.
See? Fun stuff. Sometimes Wussie Girl even wins some fights, you know. On the first try, even. Sometimes.
Now what could liven up this party? How about a teleporting goat. Always a fun opponent, first thing in the Arcane.
Splat. Ha, take that!
What happens when you combine orbs with static field in the arcane sanctuary? Piles of bodies, big old piles, like heaping mounds.
"It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing. Do-wap, do-wap, do-wap, do-wap, do-wap, do-wap."
Wussie vs Wussie! If his breath didn't, like, STANK so bad, Wussie might have taken him as a lover. Well, that, and uh, the whole CRAZY thing he had going. That was also a teensy problem -- but you know, no one's perfect, right? And good Wussie-type men are hard to come by. At least, the ones worth ****ing are. (Hey now, don't be imagining the wrong thing there. I'm not even going to tell you what that rhymes with. OK? Well, OK, maybe I will, just to quiet your dirty mind. It rhymes with WEEPING, OK? OK then. Not that other word you were thinking. Sheesh.)
Rejected. Poor guy.
"Who let the dragons out? Who? Who-who? Who let the dragons out?"
Wussie's search for someone intelligent to talk to marches on.
Now that scoundrel Elzix, he has some potential. I heard that Ember has him pegged, though. *sigh* The good ones are always taken. And look what he gave me! Such a nice man, that one.
"It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing. Do-wap, do-wap, do-wap, do-wap, do-wap, do-wap."
Heh, and you thought Wussie was a total pushover? I don't think so. Now she's got that whole Jordan thing going, and um, plenty of mana for painting pretty ice flowers. No silly timers to annoy her, either. Orb-orb-orb. Spaced out, is what she is. Orb it! Orb. It. Orbit! She goes into Orbit Mode, and it's all dyin. She might die, too, but, uh, no need to talk about that part yet. OK? OK then.
Do-wap, do-wap, do-wap, do-wap, do-wap, do-wap.
- Sirian
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