INTRODUCTION

So I finally decided to try out Double Swing and Frenzy. I decided to make an unrestricted softcore barb and cut loose, have some leisurely fun -- or so I thought. As it turns out, fun yes, leisurely no. :)

Here's the plan: blunt weapons. Clubs, maces, flails, hammers, scepters. Two of them, dual wield. Mace Mastery out the wazoo, but no war cries through Normal. One point in Leap and Leap Attack, one point in Bash, Double Swing, Double Throw. One point in Stamina, one in Speed, one in Iron Skin. Lots in Mace Mastery, lots in Frenzy, some in Natural Resistance. Down the road? Taunt and Battle Orders eventually, but only after Normal.

I have some theories I want to test, but I'll keep them under wraps until I've found the results. In the mean time, I am just going to smash a lot of heads. Rather than play strategically, I will rush headlong into any danger and only retreat if gravely wounded. I'm not looking to die, but no risk is too great, no mob too large, no enemy too strong. I will smash them all. I hope. Blunt weapons, blunt tactics.

And now I bring you... Smasher. He's quite a character. I hope you can follow his story, as his language skills leave something to be desired, and this is a tough read to swallow. If you haven't played much D2, you will have trouble picturing what's going on. Even if you have played a lot, you may have trouble. :)

PROLOGUE

Me Smasher, brother of Thrower. Thrower, him smart, got good arm. Me dumb as rock, no good throwing. Pa send me away to other town to be learned how to fight. Learn to swing stick, swing hammer. Me smashem good. You watch, you see. Me smashem bad things, beat them to pulp. Me break enemy heads. Me strong, quick. Me dumb as rock, but rock smashem heads if used right. You watch, you see.

ACT ONE

Me smashem thrower rats. Ugly things go squishy.

Me smashem slow moaners. Them want Smasher's brain? Them stupid. Rock got more brain than me, and me got more than slow moaners. Me smash, them break.

Got two war sticks now. Me smashem faster. Smashem little cowards. Them run, but no hide. Me smashem them good, break heads. Bad cowards shoot fire. Make me mad. Smashem them harder.

Old woman train me to bashem. Me bashem good. Her smart, got good brain. Me dumb as rock but learned to bashem. Me smarter now.

Me find neck charm. Old woman name it Of Bat, her say this good. Me wear.

Women poke me with long sticks, fight me with axe. Me smashem them.

Me find hole in ground. Walking bones down there, me smashem, them break. Women throw stick from wood and string. Me smashem them. One blow up like melon, me get cold, it hurt.

Deep hole. Walking bones tough there. Me smashem.

Found better war stick. Me put shiny gem into stick, smashem harder. Them burn now, me like new stick.

Me smashem woman who throw fire sticks. Chief woman in camp praise me, give me young woman, me like her. Her thin, smart, smell good, nice ass. Her throw sticks, break heads.

Smashem walking bones, slow moaners. Me learn to get mad, swing faster. Neck charm glow, help me stay mad for longer. Me smashem more heads. Stick woman like me more. Her say Smasher strong, look good. Her say neck charm steal mana from enemy. This good. Me no understand, me nod like stupid pigeon.

Me smashem little green coward. Him shoot lights, it hurt. Me bashem instead. Him shoot lights, me dodge. Woman throw sticks. Woman mostly smart, now dumb. Me yell at her. Lights hurt! Sticks bad! Her no listen. Me get mad. Woman make no sense. Her get hurt by lights, keep on throwing sticks. Dumb woman. Me bashem green coward, save woman. Her grateful? No. Yell at me for getting in way. Her mad at me now. Her go off to sit alone, no talk to me all night. Woman make no sense. Smell good, though. Nice ass.

Find cave, go in. Bad dogs there. Me smashem. Walking bones throw sticks. Me smashem.

Deep hole. Ugly women fight me with axe. One stronger than others. Axe hurt. Me drink like fish.

Find way out. Trees there. More little cowards, some shoot fire. No good to get mad. Only swing at air, because them run away. Me no swing both hands, no get mad. Me swing one hand, then other, works better on cowards. Me smashem.

Big sasquatch, very strong. Me swing both sticks, beat him up. Him tough. Big fight. Me drink like fish. Belt run out, no more to drink. Me smashem.

Found tree. Take scroll to old woman. Her smart.

Big rocks call lights from sky. Good magic. Take Smasher and woman to other town.

Bad town. Very bad. Houses burn. People dead. Me sad. Me get mad, smash bones, break heads. Woman throw sticks. Her not mad at me any more. (Woman make no sense, but smell good). Lot of cowards, run around like fools. Bone men throw sticks at me. No like, me smashem. Then goats come. Goats? Goats make milk, make cheese. Taste good. These goats not like that. These goats like men, fight with big stick. Woman say to fight, so me fight. Them tough. Me drink like fish.

Oh no. Woman dead. Me sad. Very sad. No more woman. Her nice, smell good, feel soft, now dead. Me all alone, no woman. Woman make no sense, but feel soft, good to touch. Her gone. Her smashed. Me sad.

Me get mad, smashem big fat slow moaner. Him very tough, almost smash me. Drink like fish. Save old man.

Me take broken woman back to camp. Chief woman sad. Say she give me more woman for gold. Me no want. Liked old one, nice ass. Her gone now. No more woman.

Old woman give me ring. Her say to wear it, so me wear it. Shiny ring. Should give to woman, but can't. Her gone. Me sad.

Black mud on ground. Wet land. Stinky place. Me fight sasquatch, goat, armies of cowards. Them run, me remember not to get mad. Me swing one stick, not both. Coward run away, me no look like fool swinging at air. Me smarter than them. Them dumber than rocks. No hide. Me chase, me smashem.

Find cave, go in. Bad dogs, spit lights. Ugly women shoot sticks. Sasquatch smashem me. Me get mad, smashem all. Me charge in swinging both sticks. Break heads.

Find tower. Tower go down? Make no sense. Me thought tower go up, not down. Me dumb as rock, no understand. Me shake head, not know. Wish woman was here. Her smart. Good to touch. Oh well.

Down in tower below grass, me fight ghosts, me smashem. Fight goats, fight cowards, fight women. Bad women, stink like rotted cabbage. No good to touch. Smashem all.

Bad woman make fire on floor. Dumb trick. Me no scared. Me charge in, me smashem. Her burst like melon, me get burned. It hurt. Her have gold, me take. Me save some to show Thrower. Him smart, him count it for me. Or me get old woman to count. Her not steal any.

Walking bones shoot fire, very bad. Me get mad, swing at air, look like fool. Try not to get mad any more. Smashem bones in one swing.

Find cave, go in. Cowards there, walking bones, bad dogs, mean women. Me drink like fish. Them hurt me, me drink whole pond.

Find building, go in. Big sasquatch, bad thrower rats. Me get mad, look like fool. Smash rat one swing, then swing at air. No good. Dark women fight me with swords. Me get mad, smashem good.

Me blessed by shrine. Me get smarter, learn more. Bad cowards shoot fire. One strong, lead many. Fire hurt. Me get very mad. Drink like fish. Nearly die.

Me hurry. Blessing not last long. More cowards shoot fire. One strong, lead many. Me fight.

Still blessed. Run ahead. More fire. Fire hurt bad. Me charge anyway. Many many. Me get mad.

Drink like fish. Drink whole belt. Almost die. Very bad. Them almost too many. Me smashem.

All dead but me. Blessing ran out, but me learned a lot. Smashed six chiefs. Can count to six now. Can swing harder, hurt enemy more, break more heads. Me smarter, tougher.

Big fat demon. Him tough, hit hard. Me drink like fish. Tough fight, but him no have fire. Me smashem.

Nice hammer. Belong to pretty woman in town. Her smell good. Me give hammer. Her grateful. Her say come back, bring big hammer, her make magic. Me nod like stupid pigeon. No understand, but me bring hammers.

Me talk to woman, miss other woman. Me sad. No more woman. Me alone. Gods punish me. No woman.

Me fight goats, ghosts, and walking bones. Lots and lots. Me fight mean dogs. Get cold, it hurt. Drink like fish. Bones throw sticks, shoot fire, shoot lights. It hurt. Me drink. Break heads.

Bad man in town, him steal gold. Promise much, give nothing. Him bad man, but me keep spending. Me dumb as rock. Give away gold, get nothing. Could have had many women for so much gold. Me stupid.

Thrower rats hit very hard. Chief rat throws fire spikes. It hurt. Me smashem.

Punish dogs, smashem cowards. Chief walking bones shoot poison, blow up cold, it hurt.

Strong coward shoot bad fire, lead many. Me charge, almost die. Cowards swarm, me almost die. Have to leap to get away. It hurt bad. Drinks take time to work, take too long. Me run around, wait for drinks to work, then fight again. Me very mad now. Smashem cowards, break heads.

Find stairs, go down. Stinky place, very dark, lots of chests, lots of cowards to chase.

Find new war stick. Hold winter power. Make enemy cold. Me smashem, them break. Me like!

Ice melt. No mess. Me get happy. Run to fight. Drink whole ponds, no care. Smashem good. Hurt bad, no care. Almost die, no care. Me smashem, them break, them melt. Me happy.

Small men, big heads. Not cowards. Me surprised. Them gibber, speak in tongues. Me no understand. Them use big knife. Hit hard. Me drink. Knife no match winter war stick. Me smashem. Them break. Them die.

Big spiders. Me smashem.

Cowards shoot fire. Dogs spit light. Me smashem.

Slow moaners. Stupid things want my brain. Them dumbest of all.

Fire moaners, not slow. Them hiss like old men, shoot bad fire, run like cowards. Me smashem.

Deep hole, find bottom. Blood bath in floor, stink bad. Me open doors, charge in. Get very mad, fight bad hair woman.

Her butt ugly, stink like outhouse. Me try to smashem, her spit on me, it hurt very bad. Me drink like fish, drink whole pond. Me hurt her bad, but her very tough. Drinks take too long to work, me almost die. Me run, give drinks time to work. Run in circle, bad poison. Me wait for drink to work, then me charge again, me smashem. Bad woman died, her make big fire, and rocks rained from ceiling. Me find shiny gems.

Me travel east with fat merchants. Me tell more later. You come back. You watch, you see.

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