Chapter One: Ornery Character

So I decided to try something else a little different: a necro specializing in bone attack spells, with minimal curses and zero summoning. His spells would be Teeth, Bone Spear, Bone Spirit, Dim Vision, Confuse, and Attract. He'd have to put a point into CE, but no plans to use that skill.

I decided to name this character "Bonehead" and that was my first mistake!

You see, Bonehead is different from any other character I've played. He doesn't LIKE me, sort of resents my influences on him, and takes every opportunity he can to defy my advice. In short, he's one ornery character, and, well, at times he just plain makes some bonehead decisions! :)

Since I didn't have any real experience with the skills involved, other than Dim Vision, I really have no particular plan for Bonehead.

"That's because you're stupid!"

-sigh- (That's Bonehead talking in the quotes.)

"They know that, you fool."

OK, OK. You pipe down over there. Who's telling this story anyway?

All right, so Bonehead gets ready to head out into the Blood Moor with the wand that his elders gave him. I expected him to attack some poor quill rat and then raise it from the dead. After all, even though he plans to specialize in other skills, might as well use that wand to best effect. But no. No, that Bonehead throws the wand away first thing! Not so much as took a swing with it!

"Well, duh. Summoning is nasty stuff. I don't do that creepy nonsense."

Yes, but now all you have is your fists.

"Like I can't punch out a quill rat! Hey, I came in 23rd place in a 24-man boxing competition back in my apprenticeship. That PROVES I can beat somebody!"

Uh huh. Well anyway, I expected that Bonehead to come running back to town with tail between his legs and a black eye where some zombie decked his pasty-white, glass-jawed, foolish self, but no. No, that Bonehead found a cracked hand axe in the first chest. Lucky fool!

"Hey, that was all planned. Give credit where it's due! You didn't even believe in me!"

So hack, hack, hack his way to clvl 2, where he got his spell, Teeth.

"Yes, and then I started to OWN."

No, you didn't, you bonehead. Now hush up. I'm talking here.

Teeth was pretty weak at first, but so were the foes, so they dropped from one hit (rats and fallen) or two (zombies). Or, well, three or four (Gargantuan Beasts!). I wouldn't call using half your mana to kill one enemy "owning". However, he still had that axe, so Bonehead was doing all right for the most part.

Corpsefire proved problematic. Even emptying a full mana ball into that zombie boss in the Den of Evil did not take him down to half. So there's that Bonehead swinging a cracked axe at the big boss. He got smacked pretty hard, but survived.

"What do you mean survived? I kicked his ass!"

No you didn't. Quit embellishing. You limped back to town with a black eye.

"Yeah, but you shoulda seen the other guy!"

Anyway, by now he's got slvl 3 Teeth and heading to the Cold Plains. I advised him to avoid Bishibosh for a while, until he got his bearings and maybe some decent gear. Instead, that Bonehead makes a beeline for the Fallen camp and charges right into the fray, teeth flying all over. He runs out of mana and starts hacking at Bishi with that pathetic axe. No, you Bonehead! Get out of there!

"I've got it all under control. Leave me alone."

You've already used two healing potions. Who do you think you are? Some Paladin champion decked out in full plate with a King's sword?

Bishibosh died, though. And Bonehead made a quick trip back to see Akara, then came out spraying more teeth and swinging his sad little axe, and the rest of the camp fell dead.

"See? I told ya so. You're too cautious! I know what I'm doing."

You Bonehead! You're going to wreck my perfect deathless record in single player if you keep pulling Bonehead stunts like that one!

"Perfect-shmerfect. You're too self-absorbed. I don't give a quill rat's ass about your perfect whatever."

Hmmph!

"Haha. You shouldn't worry. I'm invincible anyway."

Uh huh. Now head on over to that cave and be careful.

"No way. I'm not dillying around in some hole in the ground. I'm going to go kill Raven."

WHAT??? You Bonehead, you aren't ready for that! Level up first!

But he didn't listen. Runs charging off to the Burial Ground, him and his 11 minor healing potions and a sad little Rare shortbow he found.

"Hey, this bow OWNS. Just wait and see!"

And that Bonehead calls ME stupid! Ha! :) But he'll have to learn the hard way, I guess.

So he doesn't even clear out some of the undead, instead charging right straight into Raven's territory. What a bonehead! Good grief! I did what I could to help him, but he wasn't too cooperative. First he runs his mana dry and only takes out about 40% of Raven's health. Then he's trying to use that bow, and it's pathetic. It does 2-5 damage, and he can barely fire the thing. By the time he nocks an arrow and pulls back to fire, Raven has smacked him twice with flaming arrows and he's almost dead! Some plan there, you stupid Bonehead!

"Oh shut up and let me think! I've got a backup plan."

Well you better hurry. You already drank half your belt. No, wait. More than half! Why don't you put away that stupid bow and use those low quality throwing knives.

"Those only do 3 to 6!"

Well that's better than 2 to 5, isn't it! And you can wear your shield.

So he's used his last healing potion and Raven still has 1/4 of her life. So what does that bonehead do?? He charges right up to her face and sprays some teeth at her. Luckily for him, she dies just as his feeble mana reserves run out.

"Luck? Luck?? That was ALL skill, sonny boy, and don't you forget it!"

Uh huh. You DO realize that no other char of mine has ever had so much trouble with the Raven.

"That's only because you're cowardly and wait until they are like level 50 before you risk it! Ha!"

Grrrrr. That is so not true!

"Wussy boy! Wussy boy! See, this is how it's supposed to be done. Ahaha!"

Grrrrr. Cocky bonehead necro. You'll get yours if you keep pulling these Bonehead stunts. Just you wait and see!

So Bonehead is now clvl 5 and his spell Teeth is at slvl 5, with six teeth each doing 6-8 damage. However, the teeth are scattering pretty far and wide, making it tough to get anything done. Fortunately, he's not such an incredible bonehead that he fails to notice that the teeth stay more tightly packed if he aims at a distant location. In effect, this means that he can choose how wide or narrow to spread the teeth based on how far away he targets the spell. This proves to be useful info, since more often than not, he wants to concentrate his fire rather than spray it all over kingdom come.

Rakanishu slew his rogue companion Aliza. That Bonehead couldn't protect her even through one area!

"Hey, who's the real bonehead there then? Me? Who lived? Or her? Who got killed by a stupid Carver?"

Teeth is doing a pretty good number on opponents. A few castings can mow down a decent sized mob. Unfortunately it takes just about as many castings to kill a single foe. Bonehead upgraded his cracked axe to a Jagged spiked club, doing 6-8, or 9-12 vs undead. Not too bad!

"Hey I could use some Amp Damage here! I am meleeing a lot of bosses when the mana runs out!"

Nah. You're fine. Maybe later, if you keep having troubles.

"Bah. I may be a Bonehead, but as players go, you're whatever is worse than that."

Gee, thanks.

Anyway, Bonehead started doing better, as his Teeth continued to increase. He had to melee Griswold for the most part, but was able to use Teeth to kill most everything else in Tristram, and he had a sickening number of healing potions available despite his large consumption of them.

And then that Bonehead spotted an Experience shrine outside of the Forgotten Tower. He grabs it and runs inside, rushing through the tower's levels trying to kill boss packs as quickly as he could. Cleared a pack on level one, another pack on level two, he's almost dead and out of mana on level three... Slow down! I said.

"You're just jealous because I timed it perfectly with my level up."

I am not! That was pure luck!

Down he runs to level four, where he meets a LEB Blood Clan goat boss. BE CAREFUL! I said.

That Bonehead did no such thing.

"Hey I wanted that experience bonus!"

You had an experience all right. Point blank spraying teeth so quickly! You never had a chance.

"Oh come on. You make me sound like a complete idiot. It's not like I charged right up to him. I was sticking and moving. I was dodging lightning. I was kicking his ass!"

You DIED, fool.

"Well, um... yeah. I guess I did. But it was only because he was hacked! Didn't you see that Godly Plate of the Whale he was wearing???"

No.

"Well, he was! I saw it. Plus he had on god mode for half the fight, and some of my shots weren't hitting when they should have. Oh, yeah, and also he was really Diablo in disguise. He totally cheated!"

Uh huh. Just admit it. You pulled one helluva bonehead stunt and got yourself killed!

"No way. It wasn't my fault. You should have stopped me!"

Well, next time you should listen to me.

"I will. Honest!"

Uh huh. Now look what you did to my perfect deathless record!

"Sure. Suuuuuure. It's always about YOU."

Oh give me a break. You stupid Bonehead.

Anyway, down he goes to level five. Lure out her minions, I told him. So what does he do? He charges right into her chamber like he's John Wayne himself! What a bonehead thing to do! So much for listening to me.

"Yeah, but Countess didn't have Godly Plate of Whale! I owned her and all her whores. That other boss only beat me because he was hacked! It's true."

So finally Bonehead reaches clvl 11 while clearing out the Hole, and I finally gave in and let him have one skill point into Amp Damage.

"'Bout time, too, you cheap bastard."

Oh shut up!

"If I'd had that for that hacked boss I'd have killed him anyway!"

Would not! And he wasn't hacked. You died because you're a bonehead!

Anyway, Bonehead was getting weary. Or else maybe I was getting weary of his lip. Either way, I ran him through the Highland without fighting much and arrived at the Outer Cloister to end this first chapter.

Bonehead's skills:

Teeth @ 9
Dim Vision @ 1 (as yet unused)
Amp Damage @ 1

Stay tuned for the further adventures of that Bonehead... unless he gives me too much lip and I delete him!

"You wouldn't dare!"

You wanna bet? Now shut up and leave me alone.

- Sirian

| Bonehead's Page | Chapter Two | Main Page |